Category Archives: Writings

The Hallway, Rough Draft #1

Posted by on April 25, 2011 No comments

I awake in a hallway, facing forward. The hallway is lit up, but I cannot see the source of the light.

To both my left and right are walls – I have just enough space to stretch out my arms without touching the walls. Looking at the walls next to me, they are bare walls made of wood with just a simple repeating design.

In front of me, the hallway seems to go on endlessly.

Behind me, there is a huge, gaping hole in the floor. The hallway’s walls and ceiling continue backward for about 5 feet before hitting a dead-end. The floor, however, is just plain missing. Peering down into the hole, I cannot see the bottom; it appears to be an endless abyss. For some unknown reason, the abyss scares me, and a desire grows within me to get as far away from it as I can.

I look forward again. Looking down the hallway, I notice that the hallway is not flat, but rather has a fairly steep incline. To move forward, I must hike as though trying to get up a hill.

I begin moving forward. As I progress through the hallway, I can feel my leg muscles getting a workout from the trek uphill. I slow my pace, and begin looking at the walls again. Surprised, I notice there are now picture frames decorating those blank walls.

Looking at some of the pictures in my immediate vicinity, I notice images of huge, open fields with coarsing rivers and crashing waterfalls. I feel a longing to run in those beautiful meadows. I move on.

The pain in my legs continue to grow from the upward trek. I stop looking at the pictures on the wall and focus on the pain in my legs.

Suddenly, perhaps because of my focus, the pain becomes overwhelming. I am barely able to move, but attempt to stagger forward anyway. I feel feint and my heart is heavy within me, when suddenly I heard someone whispering my name. Looking around, there is no one to be seen. A minute passes in silence, and then I hear the whisper again saying my name. I begin to wonder if I’m going mad. Another minute passes, and then I hear a third whisper, “Take heart, I am with you”. My legs and heart feel lighter, and I feel as though I am beginning the trek anew.

As I continue my trek, I stare at the floor, wondering who was my mysterious whisperer. Gradually, I come to the conclusion I must have been imagining it.

I begin looking around me once more, and realize that there are still picture frames mounted on the walls, and these pictures are different than the ones I saw earlier. I see three pictures on the walls near to me, and examine them more closely.

In the first, I see a mighty man with a spear in the center, with 400 dead men in soldier uniforms behind him, and 400 live men with the same uniforms in front of him who he is attacking.

In the second, I see a mighty man of valour and a decorated warrior, fighting back to back against a throng of many enemies. In the background I can see men running far off into the forests and hills, wearing a similar uniform to the mighty man and his friend, the warrior.

In the third, I see a sole man standing in what looks like a bean field. He is surrounded on all sides by enemies, but his face shows no fear, only determination.

Passing these pictures, I realize I am nothing like these mighty men. My legs are burning, and I simply don’t have the power those men had. A few steps later, and my legs buckle, causing me to fall. I lie on the ground for a minute and begin to sob.

Suddenly I hear a voice roaring the command, “Go.” The roar stuns me, nearly overwhelming me with both fear and awe. The voice sounded incredibly powerful – and indeed, its words strengthened my resolve and gave me the will to continue on despite the pain.

I begin jogging up the hallway. The pain is severe, but bearable now – I know I had a friend watching me. I knew beyond a doubt that the voice was real and I wasn’t just imagining it – the roar quickly woke me up to that reality. Moreover, both times I’d become too weak to continue on, this voice had given me the resolve and healing needed to press forward.

Now a desire began to grow in me to get as far up the hallway as I could, not just to get away from the abyss, but because I felt a friend was leading me forward, waiting for me somewhere up ahead. I wanted to see who was behind the voice.

I keep moving forward. I watch the pictures on the wall around me as they go by. The pictures seem to vary between two different theme. In some of them, I see a broken man suffering various types of torture and cruelty. In others, I see the same man, clothed in splendid apparel, sitting on a throne. In one of the pictures with the man on the throne, I see people kneeling before him, throwing something at his feet. I pause for a second to see what is being thrown. After a moment, I realize – those were crowns! The people kneeling must have been kings!

I press forward for what seems like hours before my strength begins to falter once more. I glance around expecting my friend, the voice, to speak up from somewhere and give me strength once more.

However… nothing. I stopped walking and leaned against the wall under a picture of that man suffering – it was a picture of him sweating blood. I thought that maybe the voice only showed up when I ceased my forward movement.

Again, nothing. I tried various other ideas that popped into my mind to make the voice speak again, but nothing worked. It seemed the voice wasn’t something I could get to speak out of my own will.

Distraught, I sag to the floor and cry. All the muscles in my body were throbbing in pain. I could not go further, and the one friend I thought I had found had seemingly deserted me. I closed my eyes and decided to just cease my forward progress and take a rest right where I was at. I still had my resolve to move forward, I just lacked the strength.

I fell asleep and dreamed.

In my dream, I was looking down on myself in the hallway from above. Suddenly, the man I had been seeing in all the pictures lately showed up next to me. He saw be, broken on the floor, and had pity. His eyes were beautiful, they have both a flash of fire in them, mixed with a sort of sympathetic pity – I felt as though I loved this man I had never met. Unexpectedly, the man picked me up on his back. I saw him stumble for a moment in pain of my added weight on his back, then move forward. He went forward and forward, many times the distance I had traveled thus far on my own. I saw pictures flashing by as the man move forward with me on his back. Looking down the hallway in front of the man, I saw we were getting closer to a door in the wall – it was perhaps a hundred feet away, and a great desire arose in me to pass through that door.

Suddenly, I awoke from my dream.

I was back in the hallway crumpled on the floor again. I found myself wishing my dream were true, wishing I had someone I could rely on to carry me forwards when I was unable to do so myself. My body still felt bruised and beaten and I felt very weak. I stood up, and looked at the picture under which I had fallen asleep. I was stunned! The image wasn’t the old one of the man sweating blood, as it had been when I fell asleep. Rather, it was an image of the man, with many diadems upon his head and eyes like a flame of fire. I suddenly felt full of joy, looking upon this picture.

Looking behind me, I noticed I recognized none of the pictures around me as ones I had seen before. Indeed, it seemed like I was in a completely different section of hallway than when I had been when I fell asleep.

Excited, I looked forward. Sure enough, just a little ways down the hallway I saw the door that had been in my dream. My dream has been true!

I felt like my body was given new life, and started moving forward, with my eyes on the door up the hallway.

Looking past the door for a second, I noticed a huge, onrushing column of water, filling the entire width and height of the hallway, coming toward me. It was a few thousand feet away but coming down the hallway quite rapidly – and I was still a hundred feet away from the door! I was not going to allow myself to be pushed back by this water, losing all the progress I had made. Indeed, I realized that this water would not only push me down the hallway to where I had started from, it would push me back into the abyss!

Gathering myself together, I remember the words of the whisperer, that he’d be with me. I felt my heart get light. I remember the roaring command I’d heard, and felt my legs get strong. I remember the pain the man from the pictures felt when he lifted himself on my back, and resolved not to let that pain be in vain.

I sprinted to the door, and got there much more quickly than I’d anticipated. The water had only traversed half the distance to the door from where it’d started, so I had time to spare.

I reach for the doorknob and turn it… to find it locked!

No, it couldn’t be!

I hear some laughter on the other side of the door, surprising me. There seems to be people talking – in fact, I recognize some of the voices! It sounds like three people. One is soft-spoken, and sounds just like the one who had whispered to me. The second is loud and strong, and sounds much like the roaring voice I’d heard. The third sounds warm and joyful, and I don’t recognize it.

I knock rapidly on the door, shouting out to the voices I recognized, “Friends! You who helped me on my journey to this door! Please, help me, do not allow me to perish and be thrown into the dark abyss! I want to be with you on the other side of this door. Let me come in to your presence and join in your laughter!”

The door opens, and I see the man from the pictures – the man who was both a sufferer and a king – grab my arm and pull me inside, slamming the door behind me. Barely a moment later, we hear the water rush past the door.

The man says my name, in that warm and joyful voice I had heard from the outside, and I felt at home. Following that, I hear a voice whispering my name from somewhere behind me, and my heart melted. Finally, I hear a voice roaring my name, shaking the very foundation of the room I now found myself in, and it filled me with strength. I realized now that the two voices were somehow connected with this man in front of me – this man, who had carried me forwards in my weakest moments towards this place.

I looked around and saw the beautiful meadows, coarsing rivers, and a crashing waterfall. I realize that this is the place from the first pictures I’d caught a glimpse of when I entered that hallway.

And yet, my desires have changed. I am filled with joy at being in these wide open fields, but now my greatest desire is to know the nature of the man beside me, and to learn how the other two voices I’d heard were connected to him.

I look at him, and see his eyes twinkling with joy at my wonder. He opens his mouth, and begins speaking…

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“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened.”

-Sean David Kooyman

Ishmael – Daniel Quinn – The Destruction of the “Prison”

Posted by on June 1, 2010 2 comments

Had to write this for a mythology class, figured I’d post it here to refer back to if the novel came up again in my life.
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Ishmael’s statement, “it should be noted that what is crucial to your survival as a race is not the redistribution of power and wealth within the prison, but rather the destruction of the prison itself,” is a statement about the purpose of life.

Everyone born into the world, at one time or another, comes to face the question, “Why are we here? What is our purpose?” Inevitably, they come to certain beliefs about that purpose; some believe they are here to serve a God, some conclude they are here just “to be a nice person”, some are here to get the most money possible, some look to establish themselves in positions of power, and some look to gain the most knowledge possible. The two biggest goals we usually find people to have (especially in Western culture) are the obtaining of power and wealth.

Ishmael focuses on these two goals people grab as the purpose of their life. He states that we should not be so concerned with power and wealth, and that it should not be our purpose of life, but rather that our purpose (specifically to ensure the survival of our race) is to destroy the “prison” itself. In this statement, Ishmael is taking a step back from typical worldviews and encourages us to do so as well.

This can sort of be likened to a group of boys living at the bottom of a well. They’ve been living down there since as far back as they can remember, and can’t imagine the world that exists just out of reach, if they could get out of the well. At the bottom of the well, most of the boys are fighting over an apple that fell from a tree into the well. In their fight these boys are rolling and bouncing all around the well, knocking over everyone stuck down there – even knocking down those few boys who can dream of sometime better and attempt to climb up out of the well.

With the above analogy to hopefully make it more clear, we can compare Ishmael’s response to the idea of stopping the fight over the apple (redistribution of power and wealth) but to focus on escaping (or destroying) our prison to be able to get to the abundant fruit and huge world overhead just out of reach. It’s not just a question of aesthetics though; if the boys are stuck down there for much longer, they will die. One apple can only give their bodies enough energy to go on for “so long”.

Ishmael’s prison that he is talking about is our culture: driven by lust for money and power, driven by the “Takers”. The prison is made of up the worldview or mindset behind it, shared by most people on the earth. The epitome of Ishmael’s prison is Capitalism.

I can fully see and agree with Ishmael’s basic premises, but not his conclusion. We are destroying the world. We are killing off animal races, destroying the environment, using up non-renewable resources, perhaps even poking holes in the ozone and contributing to global warming.

Whereas Ishmael connects this with us adopting the “Takers” culture instead of the “Leavers”, I interpret this as the difference between before the “Fall” and after it.

Before the fall of mankind, man were to be the caretakers and lords of the earth. We were to have dominion over the animals – the beasts of the field, birds of the air, and fish of the sea. We were to help them grow, and in their interaction with us, become almost human (think of a strong family you know with a dog that is extremely intelligent, and seems to have emotions, acting almost just like a child. That is a [poor] image of how we were to raise these animals). On top of the dominion over animals, we were called to walk with our God, and just enjoy His fellowship and love in full obedience.

We fell. In our fall, all of creation fell with us. The world is not as it should have been. It’s a “dog-eat-dog” world now. We level forests to build houses. We wipe out animals for food or sport. We are not stewards of this world, but rather attempt to be it’s slavemaster.

The “Leavers” were humankind before the fall. The “Takers” are who we became after it. There have been some people throughout history who had a “Leavers” worldview (the prophets, Abraham, Noah, etc.), but as a general population the world is full of “Takers”. So in that sense, I agree with Ishmael; there are two groups of people who neatly fit into his categories of “Takers” and “Leavers”, I just disagree with what parts of history those people are drawn from.

Ishmael speaks of the need for us to stop living as “Takers” but to focus on breaking out of the prison. He advocates that we need (in essence) to return to the society of the “Leavers”.

I again agree on the premise, but disagree on the methodology. We are a sinful species. We need to eradicate that sin, and come to see the fruits above of just out of our reach (a relationship with our God, whom loves us and is just waiting for us to reach out our hand to him). This is something we simply cannot do of our own accord. Luckily, God didn’t leave it merely up to us. He gave us the gospel. There was a man who lived among the “Takers” as a “Leaver”. True, he was killed. However, for some reason that totally mystified the “Takers”, he didn’t stay dead.

It is in the power of this man’s resurrection that we can trust; in God. This man started a revolution of the “Leavers”. His philosophies, his worldview, his God all spread like wildfire. Beginning in the Middle East a couple millenium ago, his story and love now permeate throughout a third or so of the human race. He calls his followers to live like true “Leavers” (similar in some senses to Ishmael’s, but with some differences). His followers have been attempting to do so to the best of their abilities, strengthened by the grace they are given in different measures. It is true that some of these “converted Leavers” still have traces of “Takers” in them (some a lot, making them almost indistinguishable from “Takers”, while some indeed do bear the looks of the “Leavers”), but this is not cause to doubt they are “Leavers”. I can be a boy, and go against my nature by wearing a dress like a woman would. This does not make me a woman – I merely may appear like one at first glance from somebody on the outside. In the same way, when someone converts into a “Leaver”, he is a “Leaver”, even if he still has enough external traces of being a “Taker” on him that people on the outside have trouble telling him apart from other “Takers”.

So, in summary, there is a prison. We, as “Takers”, live within that prison. The situation is not as dire as Ishmael implied though – there are many “Leavers” in the world, just many may bear marks of the “Takers”, as the conversion process is not simple nor easy. We do need to fight against the prison, and seek to destroy it. However, we can do so with the full knowledge that God has promised the prison will be destroyed, conquered by His gospel. It is important to realize in our fight that we are not alone – and that we are not fighting from a strength of pride (to make a name for ourselves or any such similar nonsense), but rather with the knowledge that God could win the battle with us or without us. The prison will be overthrown, that has been determined. The gospel will conquer the world. Our shackles will be cut off. We will be free. The battle is being fought, one soul, one individual, at a time. The question really is just this: Which side of the battle are you on?

Bored?

Posted by on October 27, 2008 No comments

So I started asking a good friend probing questions (as a sort of game) to get to know her better. Every time I give her a ride somewhere (typically once a week) I get to ask her a question. She has to answer – unless she absolutely does not want to answer, in which case she just has to say so, and I’ll ask a different question.

This has proved to be a lot of fun. I’ve learned a lot about her, and moreover, she’s learned more about me (she makes me answer my own questions too :D ).

Perhaps you can put some use to these.

1) You are the last human alive on earth. Something (disease, comet, whatever) wiped out everyone else. What do you spend your time doing?

2) I’m in a car accident. I’m rushed to the hospital, where you meet me. The doctors say I have no chance to live, and will die in a couple minutes, just enough time for you to say one last thing to me. What would you say?

3) I mysteriously vanish, and no one (my family, roommate, friends) knows what happened. What would you do?

4) You’re in a car crash. Metal from my car is intertwined with your spine. The doctors say you have no chance of living through the night unless… they perform an experimental operation, that will give you a 75% chance of living, though it will paralyze your arms and legs forever. Moreover, the operation costs $500,000 and is not covered by your medical insurance, so your family will just have to go into debt. Your family and doctors say the choice is up to you – do you want to go ahead with the operation?

More to come.